Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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