So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
