I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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