Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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