so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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