I bet he comes in French.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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