he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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