I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
