Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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