If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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