the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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