Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
