I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
