I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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