I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
