My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
