Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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