This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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