i just made my gag reflex go away.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
