just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
