your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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