Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
