you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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