o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Those nachos came to me in a dream
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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