My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
