so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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