Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
