I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
