How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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