Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
