I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
