dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
