just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
