Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
