So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
