oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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