He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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