I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
