I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
