Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
