I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
