I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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