what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
