I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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