We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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