Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
