Don't make out with my wife yet
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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