I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
