Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
