Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
