i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
