he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
