He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
