My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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