the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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