Apparently you make a good broom.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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