ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
